Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Conquering Hero returns..

It's been all go here with the anticipated return of the conquering hero, alias DH, making his first foray onto French soil in two months. See, I told you he was largely absent. He works in the film and tv and, despite the move to France supposedly meaning he could work less, it hasn't turned out that way.

Anyway, he's managed to sneak away for 5 days although he's only really away in body as his phone never stops ringing and he has regularly had two hour conversations with his colleague back in Ireland, location of his current artistic endeavour. (By the way, in my intro I mentioned the BAFTAs. He was attending as he had been nominated for one. Sadly he lost out to, hiss. Note to self: must work harder to nobble the jury next time).

Fortunately, I've had my truly, truly wonderful aged parents staying with me. My mum is a consumate organiser and could arrange a dinner party for 20 with one hand tied behind her back while arranging flowers and hoovering the house. I blame her for my domestic ineptitude as she is so amazingly capable that I could never, ever compete. My dad, despite being over 80, has the energy of a man half his age, no doubt because of Mum's constant badgering to 'stand up straight', 'pick up your feet', 'don't stoop'. (She only does it for your own good, Dad).

My idea of being organised was getting the ironing down to five basketloads and managing to dust so in their two week stay, Mum was on a mission to get me sorted out, accompanied by assorted (and true) mutterings that 'this house is too much for you to manage on your own', 'how can you possibly be expected to look after a garden this size on your own', 'if I were you I'd strangle that bl**dy cockerel. (Apart from the cockerel comment do you see the common theme?)

By the time DH arrived home all the ironing was done and the laundry baskets empty of dirty washing, a phenomenon that has not occurred since the late 80s in my house. This also gave me the opportunity to do a bit of 'petit bricolage' myself. I had bought some lovely old door handles from a charity shop to replace our revolting 1970s ones so I set about replacing them. All went well until the last one. Why is is always the last one? The screw head had been damaged and no amount of 'screwdrivering' would budge it. So, I thought I'd try to do it with plyers. (do you see where this is going?). I could just about grab the screw head with the plyers so I leaned heavily on to them to try and get more purchase. The plyers slipped, trapping my right b**b between the handles. It made my eyes water, I can tell you! Closer inspection revealed twosmall bruises a bit akin to love bites. Hmm, that should put the cat among the pigeons!

I pleaded with my darling aged parents to stay (forever) but, no doubt exhausted by their 'relaxing holiday in France' they braved the French airtraffic controllers strike to beat a hasty retreat back to the calm of their immaculate house in Sussex.

So, DH returns. Now, he likes the country life, but the sanitised version without the smells and nastiness that often accompany it so when I asked him to hold our big, grumpy ginger cat while I removed a tick from under his chin, he whined 'No', looking thoroughly disgusted. So, 20 minutes of trying on my own, which was a bit like juggling spaghetti, and I was no further forward in trying to free poor kitty from the iron grip of this blood sucking little bleeder and was raked in scratches.

Still, revenge can be found in the most unlikely places.

Can any oeneologists out there tell me whether it was a huge mistake to use his bottle of Chateau la Tour Pin de Figeac 1989 (a personal gift from the cellars of Lord Leith) in my Boeuf Bourguignon, or just a big one?


The Lehners in France said...

My hubbies back tomorrow, everywhere is clean and tidy, strimmed and topped. I've just got to get my jeans in the wash to remove the cat poo that I always manage to liquidise with the strimmer.
Two months is a long time for him to be away, the worst I've done is 5 weeks when he went of to Botswana castrating dogs for a charity. He likes cutting nuts off things.
The Boob in the plyers sounds a bit like a DIY Mammogram, you poor thing. My husband would just think Patapouf one of my cats had strayed a bit south when sucking my neck.
Frontline spot on combi for your cat, keeps them tick free, kills fleas and eggs. I've tried the spray, but mine, like yours are armed at all four corners and I end up shredded. Spot on is easier.
Enjoy the next 5 days and hide his phone.
Debs x

(Very) Lost in France said...

Hey, does he chop the nuts of husbands too? I'm sorely tempted some times. Will try the combi. I usually use Advantix on the neurotic non-retriever which works well. She got tick fever last year and nearly died so I don't want a repeat performance. I did think of mammograms as I extracted myself from the plyers and thought that I have yet another lovely experience to look forward to in a few years! I believe the phone may possibly be surgically attached. Another job for Bob, perhaps?

The Lehners in France said...

Next time your hubbies in the YUK get him to buy a scalibor collar for the non retriever, they last 6 months and work a treat!
Mens nut's? I'm sure if he did he'd be away more often and extremely busy.
By the way will you go back to my last post and vote for Aims and MenopausalOldBag in the best blog awards. The links are at the bottom of the page. We are having great fun, as MOB's up for the funniest blog and her and the guy in first are doing cross posts. It would be fun for you to get involved and boost your reader numbers.
I'm a new blogger too I think someone found my blog for the family in April and it all went crazy from there.
Bon Weekend Debs x

MarmiteToasty said...

Its been a while since Ive seen anyones nuts lol


(Very) Lost in France said...

Hi Debs

I voted for both yesterday but I think you can vote daily so I'll go back and vote again. Our vet actually sells Scalibor collars so I'll pop down and get one.

(Very) Lost in France said...

MT - should I send photos?....

The Lehners in France said...

You're a star for voting, you should read Mob and wheel spinning hamster deads trilogy it's hoot so far. Debs x Whoops of to the airport now. Bucketing down here. Your on my Blog Roll.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Thanks so much for the comments and the votes. This is really nice of you to do. Debs is right about getting your name out there and commenting on that best of blogs award site is good because there are at least 30,000 hits on it now.

I've read a few of your posts and I like them very much.I'll stick you on my blog roll and be back to read the rest as your humour is great - just like the wild and wonderful Debs!

Crikey - catching your nipple between a pair of pliers - I'd have passed out!

Thanks again for your support, it is really very much appreciated.

(Very) Lost in France said...

Awww, thanks MOB. Kind words indeed. Wouldn't recommend the nipple in plyers thing - definitely not for the faint hearted. Good luck with the awards. I'll keep voting!

(Very) Lost in France said...

Debs, thanks for blogrolling me. When will this rain ever stop?

The Lehners in France said...

No probs about the blog roll, I hope you enjoy the little "cyber commune" you have now become part of as much as I do. They are all great fun. It will be interesting to see if the nature of your blog changes to suite your visitors. Mine did. I started of with funny and silly tales to send home to friends and its turned into a Franglais jokey sort of blog.

As for the rain Jean-Pierre our neighbouring farmer says it's not going to stop til Friday.

Take care. I need to catch up on your posts, but have been side tracked by Marmite toasties problems.
Debs x

(Very) Lost in France said...

Certainly am enjoying myself here. Can't think why I didn't start earlier. The chief meteorologist for France says that it will last for at least a 'quinzaine' and that there will be no long lasting good weather until July (gulp). (Anybody who plans to rent my cottage, DO NOT READ THIS!)