Saturday, August 15, 2009

In which my equilibrium was unbalanced by the sight of so many men in Speedos.....

Eeeuwwww! The French and their speedos!

Today we went to a fabulous waterpark up in Dordogneshire. It was a last jolly for les enfants before we head back to the UK in just over a week

Now, in France they have these funny hygiene laws in swimming pools. Here you can use the toilet and not wash your hands, then go and handle the fresh fruit and veg, you can go to a Marché Gourmand where they will use the same utensils and chopping boards (wooden of course) to handle raw and cooked food, but you can't wear surf shorts in swimming pools. You have to wear speedos.

Now, it's apparently for hygiene reasons, though every time I've asked the pools to clarify this, they can only spout the pre-printed script, but then that's very French.

Now, wearing speedos is fine if you look like this...

Trouble is, most of them look more like this......

Now, in actual fact, as this was a waterpark rather than a swimming pool, the speedo rule wasn't actually being enforced but hey, like Romeo and Juliet, you can't separate a French man from his speedos so they were there in abundance.

Now, it's not easy to eat a baguette when confronted with bulging men's genitals stuffed into lycra and after the first hour I felt that my equilibrium had been well and truly upset. Now, with some men, the promise of what lies beneath might be quite nice but with the majority, what lies beneath is definitely not for my eyes - or anyone else's.

To be honest, I think men's genitals were one of God's little jokes. When left with three small pieces of whatever it is that man is made from, he thought to himself 'now what can I do with these that would be really silly? I know......'

But of course he hadn't banked on a Scotsman emigrating to Australia and thinking, now what can I make out of this little bit of nylon, or on French men embracing the end result with such fervour.

You could tell the French men in speedos. They were the ones who strode around, puffing out their chests saying 'I'm French and proud of my baguette' while the British men, forced into such revealing swimwear, crept around looking and feeling slightly foolish, generally with hands cupped protectively, or maybe just to shield their manhood from prying eyes.

The trouble is, regardless of how unattractive the man, when confronted with 'Man in Speedos' ones eyes seem naturally drawn downwards only to arrive 'youknowhwere', at which point you are suddenly overcome with nausea and horror because to be honest, you don't really want to be reminded that these men.... well... you know what I mean don't you ladies?

Recently, a Muslim lady was banned from wearing a burkhini in a public swimming pool under the same hygiene rules. Personally, I'd like to see all the fat men in speedos forced to wear one in public so I can enjoy my packed lunch in peace.

What do you think?


Anonymous said...

I have never understood why men who resemble the one in your second photo still think they are god's gift to women and are happy to parade around looking like that! Perhaps it's time the french banned speedos and insisted on shorts. I do agree on the genitals front - god must have been having a laugh. That 'last turkey in the shop' look makes me wonder if god is female.

Working Mum said...

Euwww! Nope, that's all I've got - euww!

the fly in the web said...

Oh dear....I was thinking about making lunch when I saw photograph number two....baguette definitely off the menu.
I suppose the only advantage is that with so much skin exposed there is a chance they might wash off their all powerful aftershave or whatever else it is they use which announces their presence before they arrive in the room.

Ciara said...

Just discovered your blog - man I've been missing out. Great post.

I believe the speedo rule is to do with safety rather than hygiene. Loose clothing risks being sucked in by swimming pool vent / water cleaning systems meaning a person could be trapped underneath the water.

The French could opt for boxer swimming briefs though - made my French boyfriend buy them and he agreed they are much better!

John said...

Couldn't help feeling I knew someone similar to the 2nd pic, but with the intention of balance not sexism, some of the worst cases of the abuse of swim wear must be the ladies, who unfortunately also morph from a femail pic 1 into pic 2. Hey we all need a laugh, Live and let live :-)