Lawnmowers

Yesterday was one of those day when I marvel that the French could have managed to develop chip and pin technology, put a spacecraft in orbit and and build an aeroplane, yet they can't manage to keep the shops open during the lunch hour. It's like the 21st Century in a 19th Century overcoat.

I needed to buy two things - not your everyday things mind - but two things nonetheless. I needed a new lawnmower and a toaster. A lawnmower that makes toast would have been excellent but sadly that's yet another invention I don't have time to invent.

Living in a rural area, there is no shortage of suitable places to buy a lawnmower. However, with only three hours between opening time and the 2-3 hour French lunch hour, during which just about everywhere, and certainly anywhere selling lawnmowers, will be closed, it meant a mad gallop around the countryside at breakneck speed whilst trying to digest the pros and cons of the different models.

Now this leads nicely on to one of my other gripes about France. How come 'entrepreneur' is a French word, yet the French seem to be the least entrepreneurial race I've ever come across. Too much socialism if you ask me. No-one can think for themselves. Every shop sells the same thing at exactly the same price. Even in the market (sorry Dulwichmum) I looked at the same cardigan at the same price on three different stalls.

Now, I'm blonde, but even I know that if you puts your goods up for sale at a slightly lower price, chances are people will recognise a bargain and you'll probably sell twice as much. If everything is the same price what's to make you choose one shop or stall over another? The appalling nature of French after sales is legendary, so that wouldn't sway you. Whoever you brought it from, if it broke the next day, they'd refuse to refund your money and blame 'La Direction' with a gallic shrug.

So, gallop we did around the various shops looking at the different models of lawnmower. Now what I know about mowers could fit on a lilliputian postage stamp but all I knew was that it needed to be self propelling.

Our very expensive (and only 5 years old) Honda mower has developed a seemingly irreparable problem with it's self propulsion meaning that you have to push the flaming thing over hill and down dale, sometimes in temperatures approaching 46 degrees. I have not so fond memories of a time last year when, due to the imminent arrival of guests in our cottage and some untimely rain, the grass had a sudden growth spurt.

It was a hot day in mid-August and the thermometer registered more than 40 degrees as I pushed the great weight of the mower around the cottage garden.The garden has a slight slope which appeared to mysteriously transform into a 1:3 hill by the time I was half way round. What's that old saying 'men perspire, horses sweat, ladies glow'. Trust me, I was way beyond glowing. I was lathered up like a Grand National racehorse on the final stretch after Bechers, dripping from every pore, in a most unladylike way. In the end, I stripped naked and finished the lawn in the altogether - a liberating experience, but not recommended in suburbia.

So, eventually a suitable model was found (by suitable I mean the cheapest I could find) which was sold in an unmarked box with 'Made in China' in large letters on it and no mention of a Briggs and Stratton engine.

On opening the box at home, the assembly instructions appeared to have been translated straight from Mandarin on Babelfish and were just that, babel, but I've always worked better with a picture so I just used the one on the box and the end result bore more than a passing resemblance. However, the 'spanner' provided for the purpose of tightening the various bolts proved to be a plug spanner which was worse than useless. Now, before you think to congratulate me on recognising a plug spanner, I have to admit that it was in fact my dear old dad who illuminated me on this point. Personally, I wouldn't know a plug spanner if it hit me on the head.

Oil was added, petrol put in and the moment of truth arrived. One pull of the cord and it started straight away. Even our 'easy start' Honda used to need a couple of tugs and that was after I'd called DH to check which lever had to be pulled, which one pushed and did I need it set at the hare or the tortoise? If you have a Honda lawnmower, you'll know what I mean.

The lawn was duly mown (or is it mowed?) and the end result was excellent although if I have a tiny criticism, it's that the self propulsion is a little on the nippy side. You kind of have to jog to keep up (no MBT shoes or funny flipflops needed to tone my bum!) and it does tend to drag you into the bushes. Precision cutting is a little tricky too but hey, it's great for deadheading your flowers!

DH (also known as Mr Brandname) was, of course, horrified that I had bought a major piece of garden equipment without him. "What sort of mower is it?" He demanded. "A lawn mower". I replied. "Yes, but what SORT of lawnmower?". "A GREEN one".