"Muuuuuuuummmm, there's someone on the phone about the house" called DD yesterday.
Marvellous I thought, envisaging selling the house to the first person through the door. (Now, I know that's not going to happen but I can dream can't I?). My thoughts are in italics.
"Good morning, muh name is Mr Kuchak, You want to spik Eenglish or French?"
"I can speak either, whichever you prefer" I replied.
"Ah, you are Eenglish?"
Must be the name that was a giveaway eh? No flies on this boy!
"I spik English then. Ah am very wanting to buy yoore howse"
Oh dear, maybe we should have stuck to French!
"I spik to my property expert and he say me I cun buy yoore howse 100%"
Well, that's a relief as I'm not planning to sell it in bits
"Mah property expert seh it good for muh portfolio. Ah im nationality Israelian"
Now, would that be Nigerian Israelian or Ivory Coast Israelian I wonder?
"Ah am in Milan wid my fader. Ah am buying big bilding. Big luxury hotel"
Ah, well I can see how an 18th Century French farmhouse would slot right into your portfolio then.
"Ah cun pay cash"
Hmm, wonder if the printing ink on the notes has dried yet
"... but ah don't like to talk money on de phonne. You know what ah min"
Boy, do I ever. You don't want to talk about money because you are trying to scam me you foolish little man.
"So, you fly to Milano and we talk money"
"No, I'm very sorry but I've got no intention of flying to Milan. If you want to buy my house you come to France and see it and discuss money. Flying to Milan is out of the question"
Oh dear, he seems to have hung up!
Never mind though as I checked my special e-mail account set up to deal with property enquiries and there was this nice one from Mr Ebas
I saw your contact and profile and decided that you could cooperate with me in this proposition.
I have a client by Name Mr. Nelson xxxx who was deceased in November, 2005, in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I am contacting you because you have the same surname as my deceased client and i felt that you could help me in the distribution of funding that were left in my deceased client's bank account. This funding is closed to be declared un-serviceable by the bank as there were no indicated next of kin or next of beneficiary of the funding in the bank account.
The total amount of cash in the bank account of my deceased client is US$ 12.5 Million ( Say, Twelve Million, Five Hundred Thousand Only ),The bank had issued to me a notification to contact the next of kin of my deceased client for either to re-activate the bank account or to make claim of beneficiary, of the funding in the bank account, with a month surcharge of 6% to be deducted as an Escrow safe keeping fee of the bank account, so as to avoid the indefinite closure of the bank account. My proposition to you is to seek your consent, and to present your kind self as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my deceased client, since you have the same last name with him.
This means that the proceeds of his bank account would be paid to you as his next of kin or the legitimate beneficiary. When the proceeds in his bank account are paid to you, we would share the proceeds on a mutually agreed-upon percentage of 60% to me and 40% to your kind self. All the legal documents to back up your claim as my client's next-of-kin would be provided by me. The most important thing I would need is your honest cooperation in this proposition.This would be done under a legitimate arrangement that would protect you from any breach of the law.
If this business proposition offends your moral and ethical values,feel free to back out. Please contact me at once if you are interested reply through
my personal email (eisa_abaschambers@mail2world.
Barr. Mohamed Eisa A.ESQ,
(Offends my moral and ethical values? Clearly dear Mr Abas does NOT read my blog and knows my moral compass is permanently fixed on magnetic north)
So Malaysian Mr J dies and his next of kin, a blonde haired, blue eyed English woman, turns up to claim his 'fortune'. Well that's really going to work isn't it. Looks like I'm just going to have to say no to Nelson's millions. Tant pis!
Is it going to get any better than this?