Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Une histoire anonyme.......

I heard a really funny story the other day but the person involved threatened to delete my blog if I wrote about it so I'm going to make it completely anonymous.

Once upon a time, there was a blogger who didn't live in France, didn't have a part-time husband and didn't have two lovely children - that bit at least is true!

The son known as The Blue One, who was nothing like his mother for getting caught undressed at inapproriate moments, hated using the toilets at his school so would always wait until he got home.

One day, his sister, known as The Pink One, suffered a monumental breakdown in communications which meant that he was delayed getting home while he waited for his sister's school bus in a little village that wasn't in Southwest France.

He told his mother that he was going to use the village toilets. He must have been truly in extremis to have even considered this option as the village toilets are notorious for being fly-infested, disease ridden holes in the ground, not to mention the fact that just getting to them requires belays and crampons, being as they are down a very narrow, steep track.

His mother carried on chatting to her neighbour who was also waiting for her daughter to arrive. After a quarter of an hour, The Blue One reappeared, walking strangely and announced he was 'going to the cafe' which isn't called the Cafe du Centre and isn't run by a Franco-Australian couple called Michelle and Jean-Marc.

Eventually, he reappeared looking a lot more comfortable. On the drive home, it transpired that the following had happened.

Using a convenient pair of crampons that he had secreted about his person, The Blue One had managed to reach the fly-infested, disease ridden toilets where nature played a cruel trick on him and he needed more than a No. 1. His first mistake was not to check for the (albeit unlikely) presence of toilet paper. The village toilet is generally cleaned once a year on the Maire's birthday at which time half a roll of toilet paper is also added to last until the following year. No self-respecting person leaves the house without at least two rolls of Charmin in her handbag, but having a complete flake for a mother, she had forgotten to impart this vital part of 'life in rural France' (where of course he didn't live) to him.

The deed being done, he looked around for the toilet paper, only to discover that there was none. A quick check of the pockets revealed them to be devoid of any useful bottom wiping equipment, so espying a conveniently large leafed tree, he waddled out of the toilet, trousers around his ankles, only to come fact to face with a couple of hikers.

Wishing them a cheery 'Bonjour' even though he didn't live in France, he grabbed a suitable looking leaf and waddled back into the toilet. Unfortunately, it being autumn, the leaf was a bit dry and not really 'fit for purpose' and promptly disintegrated in his hand.

A brief panic ensued before he decided that the only thing for it was to head to the toilet in the Cafe (why oh why didn't he go there in the first place?) while trying to ensure that there was minimal damage to the insides of his jeans. So, underpants half way down his thighs and hands in back pockets pulling jeans away from his posterior, he waddled up to the cafe which, in a miracle of 21st Century techonological development had both toilets you could sit on and a nice, soft roll of toilet paper.

Equilibrium restored!

This is, of course, a work of complete and utter fiction and any similarity to any person living, dead or soon to be dead (that'll be me!) is purely (un)intentional and just for the record, the photo shows a representation of a village toilet, not the real thing, as I wouldn't even consider entering it without full HazMat protective clothing that's of course, assuming I knew where it was....... which I don't.

12 comments:

Hadriana's Treasures said...

My best friend has been "eco/green" for over 20 years now. When we were 18 we had a conversation about her being self-sufficient on a farm and I asked her what she would use for loo roll? Do you know what she said? "leaves"...now we know that they are not fit for purpose...

KatduGers said...

Thanks for brightening my evening before I go to bed!

Aren't they great, the public loos in the anonymous country not known as France! I always try to wait.

At my daughter's school, which coincidentally is also not in a small french village, has outside toilets with no lights and just small holes in the door to let in a bit of light. And they stink!

Luckily they get to use the Salle des Fêtes at lunch time to play in and the toilets there are better!

Still smiling though! Poor anonymous boy must have been mortified!

Lehners in France said...

Oh I'm so pleased he who doesn't live in France managed to find some loo roll in the cafe that's not in your village. Debs x
Enjoy England !!! xxx
Sooo funny my word verification is damdrat! I bet he who didn't go to the public toilets said more than that!

sarah said...

This reminded me of a little story from when we lived in the UK. Knutsford (in Tatton, apparently the most wealthy area of the UK, very middle class I must say!) was where we lived at the time and the public toilets were grim for all the usual reasons and more, they were known for male visitors engaging in a bit of extra activity, infact on one occasion 20 men were arrested. Despite all attempts by the local council (MP Neil hamilton and then Martin Bell!) and the police they could't stop it going on. On my way through the village one day the toilets looked different, a local resident had driven a fork lift through the side exposing the cubicles to the open! It seemed to disuade the innappropriate gentlemen, until the council rebuilt them of course! One of the arrested men had an interesting defence, he said his penis was so large that it couldn't possibly have fitted through the holes on the cubicle walls that were being used, what a jury service experience that would have been!

justme said...

I poor boy! Things like that are SO mortifying for kids! So glad you didn't tell us about it.....

(Very) Lost in France said...

Hadriana - definitely not fit for purpose but then toilet paper in France is not much better! Billy Wilder said France was a country where the money fell apart in your hands but you couldn't tear the toilet paper. Times have changed! VLiF

KatduGers - hello again, nice to see you. Look out for my next post on the 'enquete' into school toilets in our nearest town.....VLiF

KatduGers said...

Looking forward to it! Think I may have to start an enquête into our school loos! On a couple of occasions school has been closed because the toilets are iced up!

Ma'dame French said...

Hello there found you via Black box and glad I did;) Please stop in and visit~~French;)

Stew said...

French toilets. the lad did well.

See my advice on la chiotte Turc

MsCatCalls said...

So very glad this is not your son .. just think , he would have been plotting your senior care home choices and scrutinising the lavvies therein throughout the rest of his teens .... what a blessing it was some other boy !

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Yeah, what IS the deal with the no toilet paper in WC's in France?

(Very) Lost in France said...

Hello Cassoulet Cafe and welcome to my blog. Hmm, I wish I knew. Billy Wilder apparently said that France was a country 'where the money fell apart in your hand but you can't tear the toilet paper'. Things must have changed because now you'd have to insert 'can't find the toilet paper'. The cruel trick is often to put it outside the toilet where you are supposed to tear off what you need before going into the cubicle. Most times you forget! VLiF