In the Merde.....

This could actually be the title of my blog for just about any day of the week but yesterday I was truly in le grand merde.

We are going to the UK to stay with the CH and see old mates next week and, just for once, I'd like to be ready to leave on time with everything packed rather that our usual hour late career down the autoroute to Toulouse with my undies hanging out of the boot of the car and our entire wardrobes packed into three suitcases just in case I forget anything.

So I clicked on to Easyjet to check the flight times and 'putain' I'd booked the flights the wrong way round, flying from Gatwick to Toulouse on Tuesday and Toulouse to Gatwick the following week.

Calm, calm, restez zen...... it's only high season, I mean, how much can it cost to change it?

500 bloody quid is how much!

I phoned the CH, who was uncharacteristically unsympathetic, especially as he would have to foot the bill. I was very, very nearly divorced on the spot.

I tried to change it online but kept getting an error message saying I had to call the Customer Experience Centre and to 'click on this link'. It would have been easier to get the Skype number of the Dalai Lama than to find the number that the Easyjet website was telling me I had to phone.

"97% of your questions can be answered on our website" it claimed. Well not this one Pal, you told me I have to ring you. Eventually I found a number after scrolling down for several light years. I rang it. It only costs the GDP of a small African nation per nanosecond but hey, what does it matter.

After an interminably long menu which asked me to say 'website', 'yes', 'no', 'booking' ,'if this thing doesn't hurry up I'll need to take out a second mortgage' it eventually told me that if I need to change a flight I need to call a different number.

The 'different number' costs the approximate GDP of the United States and starts with the dreaded 09, which means you can't call it from outside the UK.

I eventually found the number for France, dialled, got put on hold at 1.34 euros a second, told I was in a queue (you are number 1..........hundred and forty three) then cut off, no doubt because the telephone system had reached it's allotted 35 hours it can work per week.

By this stage my stress levels were so high that I noticed nuclear fission happening around me. I found another number you can call from abroad and got through without spending more than the cost of a reasonably priced chateau in the Loire valley.

Next step, passing security. For some reason I had mistyped my mobile number so I couldn't answer that particular question. "Never mind", said the Easyjet drone, "tell me what your flight numbers are".

So I clicked on the confirmation to see...... well you would, wouldn't you? After all, I haven't memorised it, or written it down anywhere or had it conveniently tatooed to the inside of my wrist as I have the confirmation that they sent me staring at me from my computer screen.

"Oh," says the Easydrone. "You've clicked on your confirmation. That means I'm locked out of the system for half an hour, you'll have to call back".

"WHAAAAT!" I screamed." Why didn't you tell me that if I clicked on it you'll get locked out of your system."

"Well I don't know what you're doing on your computer, do I?" responds the Easydrone.

"But it's your bloody website, you should know. How am I supposed to know that if I click on it you'll get locked out? I didn't design the bloody thing. I don't work for Easyjet, you do. You should know. It should say somewhere on your website 'please do not click on this link while you are talking to our Customer Experience Centre or you won't be able to do anything for the next half hour'. I can't be expected to guess can I?"

"I'll log your call as complaint shall I?" asks Easydrone, all the while continuing to address me by my first name rather than Your Majesty or Your Noble Greatness whose day I have just ruined which would have been more appropriate.

"Yes, you do that. What time do you close?"

"In 20 minutes"

"So you'll wait for my call so I can change this flight as your stupid, stupid website seems unable to do it?" I suggested."

"No, I leave in 20 minutes you'll have to call back tomorrow"

"I'm not calling back tomorrow, I've already had to list my offspring on e-Bay to raise the money to pay for this telephone call. And in any case, you'll probably have doubled the ticket prices by then".

"That's a risk you take"

He wants to talk to me about risk? He was at serious risk of never being able to father children, or eat anything except puréed food for the rest of his life.

It's enough to make a girl turn to drink!