Mamma Mia!

Yesterday was DD's birthday. I can't believe that 11 years ago I was sitting in hospital wondering if they had made a dreadful mistake and stitched my navel to my knees (it certainly felt like it!)

Actually, I was probably wondering where she was. I had a difficult end to the pregnancy and she was whisked off fairly quickly to be checked over - but they forgot to bring her back! The CH arrived with the Grandparents..

Ta Da! Here's our new......... where is she?

I.... blub..... don't..... blug.... know. They .....blub....took her away....blub..... ages ago.


Right, he said. And off he headed, a man on a mission to find his newborn daughter.

He returned a short while later clutching a Polaroid.

No, no! When they took her she was round and pink, this is flat and white. It's not the same! Where's my baby?

I've always dreamed of a government initiative where they took they away at a year old and returned them at 21, potty trained, through puberty, acne and first girlfriends/boyfriends, well mannered and with a job but this was ridiculous!

Well, unfortunately she had to go into Special Care for a few days and, dreadful mother than I am, I looked on it as a bit of a bonus. No waking up for nightfeeds, I could just rest. Of course I hadn't banked on other people's babies.

They just kept waking up and wailing. I mean, how's a girl supposed to get some sleep?

"Oi, missus, can't you keep Jade Chelsea Chardonnay quiet down there?". My own baby isn't keeping me awake so I don't expect yours to!

And thus it continued up to her 11th birthday, where I continue to not quite cut the mustard on the motherhood front.

A list of my transgressions this birthday are....

1. Having been entrusted by the Grandparents with getting her birthday present I completely forgot to order it. So completely that it wasn't until her birthday that I realised.

2. Left leaving ordering her present till so late that I had to pay for an extra pigeon to try and get it here in time.

3 Failed to be in when the pigeons tried to deliver it on her birthday so we couldn't pick it up until the day after

4. Forgot where I had hidden the present from her best friend in the UK

5. Forgot to wrap her presents necessitating an 'Ohmigod' wake up at 5am so I could hurriedly stick a bit of wrapping paper round

6. And worst of all, failed to get the CH home for her birthday. It's the first one he's ever missed and she cried for an hour when I told her he couldn't be there. But honest, that wasn't my fault.

On the plus side, I did take her and some friends for an afternoon shopping, followed by Pizza and Mamma Mia at the cinema. I had no idea that Meryl Streep could speak French so well!

If you haven't seen it, go (if you are a girl. If you are a man, go down the pub instead).

What a lovely bit of escapist nonsense it was but boy do I wish I'd seen it in the UK instead. I was dying to get up and sing and dance but when I had a little singalong at the end, the young French girls in front turned and looked at me as if I'd passed wind in the middle of a Requiem Mass. We sat and watched it in that very French anally retentive way. Hands on laps and studious expressions.

The subtitles of the songs were brilliant. Half the time they bore absolutely no relation to what was being sung. But people.... Pierce Brosnan? What was that about? The man just can't sing.

I told the children that I was going to model myself on Julie Walters and wear silver flares and platform shoes and behave outrageously. They looked at me slightly nervously..... because they know, deep down, that it's quite possible!